Again at war with myself....

Today was a bad day. One of those days I wish with all my heart I could press a button or pop a pill and not be bipolar anymore.

Sometimes on days like this I wish I had a "popular" illness diabetes or something understood and known, sometimes I think it would be easier.


There is a war each morning to see who will win, The side that plans to do what i need to and the bipolar side that just wants to fly, numb or fade watching the black wave crash over me.

I'm not just get up out of bed.... I'm already warring in my self. The meds just help the normal win more but the battle rages on.

My  illness is unknown silent unseen invisible it all happens in my head.

Its hard to explain to people how it impacts every moment of everyday. That yes I'm on meds, yes I have a name for it, no I'm not just going to be fine now. I'm still learning how to work around this illness.

I haven't been coping of late even worse than normal. Expectations of others and others trying to "help"

has had the opposite effect. By help I mean coming over and telling me what i should be doing. you should be up and dressed you are letting your husband down, think of what your husband needs, you husband works  so you shouldn't ask things of him when he gets home, you just have to pull your socks up and get on with it, just stop being depressed, don't read that its "dark", don't watch that it will make you depressed, should you buy that are you manic? think about why you want it and if you are manic, you cant just go spending money cause you are manic, here read this is on how to get over depression, you just have to stop acting bipolar, ....

the list goes on and on and on....

they phone they come over its daily.

This effects my relationship with my husband, housemate...Lord even myself!

Today it was my husband and I who had to talk it all out with tears and pain that came from months of these comments to me and others that were made to my husband starting to damage our relationship.

Today I hated being who I am. Today I wanted to fall of the planet. I hate crying , causing my husband pain from him realizing I am fighting this invisible war and how he has let others comments influenced him so much that he has stopped helping and started to harm with comments like those above.

He stopped seeing me and just saw the frustrations and assumptions as reality.

I'm not saying I'm prefect and he failed. I'm just being real this is what happens. Others mean well but can't understand and then without understanding, based on assumption or even wanting to in some cases learn they make comments and accusations.  There is only so much one person can take but add a person who is still trying to get their feet with this illness and it can spell havoc.  Marriages with a mental ill partner have a higher chance of divorce and we refuse to fit that mold. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN FULL STOP.

That is what has happened. The air is clear and tomorrow is a new day.

To quote my 3 year old. Mummy you aren't small you are big how can you be small when you do so much big things?

We are not giving up, I'm going to do big things even if it is just getting out of bed tomorrow even I'd rather hide under the covers.

stress isn't helpful.

Hi WWW
I know I know I was going to post everyday then well...life. actually more to the point....FAMILY.

Yep family can either help or hinder anyone but even more so for Bipolar especially if your family is like mine.

I'm trying to study but I have my mum now studying and kicking me off my pc instead of dealing with her net issues while tell me things like don't say that to your kids, that not what I would do, and the dreaded are you taking your meds you seem manic/depressed. Not Helpful!!!

Lot of people think checking up on your medication is fine and helpful even encouraging well its not. do you go to a diabetic and ask about their diet or insulin?
Lot of people think if you are bipolar you are either depressed or manic that is it.

Sadly this is my mother.

As you may or may not know stress or too much stress can bring on episodes of maniac/depression sometimes. Constant stress is not a good idea for bipolar we need to relax n chill more then most for our mental health. My mum is a constant stress, our relationship is strained as we butt heads on raising kids, health and of course my illness, meds and because of my illness about my dad too (he is also bipolar).

My mum's comments and constant questions has also at times strained my marriage as my husband works to understand and work out how to relate to me on my mental health illness. My mum has the idea of what i will do based on my dad, and uses that in how she talks to me, poor hubby is trying to find the truth in the stories so he can help me more....for him it is a mind field and more then once has lead to me in tears when he has got the wrong end of the stick.

so I've been having a rough time but here I am still on meds still going one day after another just the idea of moving is looking better and better health wise sadly.

ok people take care talk soon.

ps thanks to my sis in the UK for proof reading this. Lol posting at 2am is not good for my spelling and grammar lol

and were back.....

Hi WWW,
I have be slack yep there I said it. There is much to say that's been going on to lead to such pathetic post rate.

1. Dad is life treating hospital trip due to his own stupidity. He is a diabetic that ignored it and hope it went away for 15 years!!!
He was admitted to hospital and had
Septicemia (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002331/ ),
Hyperglycaemia (http://www.diabetesaustralia.com.au/en/Understanding-Diabetes/What-is-Diabetes/Hyperglycaemia/ ),

Necrotizing soft tissue infection on his big toe (http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001443.htm) (no flesh eating bacteria was found thankfully.)

He ended up losing the toe and getting grilled buy hospital staff and his children.

I also found out my father (bipolar and other goodies) was taken for his medications by his GP and was for the last 5 years having his medication played with by his GP. normal small changes slightly up or down are fine under the guides the psychiatrist as written up. This is not the case.

I hit the roof one that my dad would allow that to happen two that the GP over stepped his training in such a way. he saw the hospital Psychiatrist would quickly put him back on his medications and talked to him about one changing doctors and two staying on medications.

Oh but the fun doesnt end there!!!

I had my first car crash. Yep i totaled the car and took out a fence. yeah I'm good lol.

A speeding car almost hit my daughter door as i was merging after a set of lights....problem was when i served back into my lane having suddenly see the car that was there last time I shoulder checked (I checked again thankfully!) my lane was not even half the size of my car!! so i hit the fence that was there between me and the foot path.

The speeding car never stopped.

luckily no one was hurt just the car which means I have to go through the painful process of buying a car all over again. My hubby is someone who wants to take time to make a decision, the only issue with that is we loose great cars to other people while he is thinking long n hard about it. drives me Batty!! he knows he does it and is working on making decisions quicker.

Ok enough about doom n gloom!
the good stuff....
My medications are finally settled so i just need repeats from my Gp :) happy dance but I have been told I need more boundaries with my folks so they don't stress me as much.

We got another husky!! our first (and not the last) foster failure, her name is OoKami (means wolf in Japanese i was told.....Kami for short.) and she looks like our boy Dante's twin. Hubby loved her within minuets and we now hold the record for fastest adoption. 3 hours and she was ours.

She is a sweetie and the kids just adore her, Dante likes her except when she gives him kisses and doesn't know when to stop!! lol She loves going to the park with the kids and we are teaching her all the sled terms ready for the start of the season :)

well that's it for now. Just a major update.

post soon