Today was a bad day. One of those days I wish with all my heart I could press a button or pop a pill and not be bipolar anymore.
Sometimes on days like this I wish I had a "popular" illness diabetes or something understood and known, sometimes I think it would be easier.
There is a war each morning to see who will win, The side that plans to do what i need to and the bipolar side that just wants to fly, numb or fade watching the black wave crash over me.
I'm not just get up out of bed.... I'm already warring in my self. The meds just help the normal win more but the battle rages on.
My illness is unknown silent unseen invisible it all happens in my head.
Its hard to explain to people how it impacts every moment of everyday. That yes I'm on meds, yes I have a name for it, no I'm not just going to be fine now. I'm still learning how to work around this illness.
I haven't been coping of late even worse than normal. Expectations of others and others trying to "help"
has had the opposite effect. By help I mean coming over and telling me what i should be doing. you should be up and dressed you are letting your husband down, think of what your husband needs, you husband works so you shouldn't ask things of him when he gets home, you just have to pull your socks up and get on with it, just stop being depressed, don't read that its "dark", don't watch that it will make you depressed, should you buy that are you manic? think about why you want it and if you are manic, you cant just go spending money cause you are manic, here read this is on how to get over depression, you just have to stop acting bipolar, ....
the list goes on and on and on....
they phone they come over its daily.
This effects my relationship with my husband, housemate...Lord even myself!
Today it was my husband and I who had to talk it all out with tears and pain that came from months of these comments to me and others that were made to my husband starting to damage our relationship.
Today I hated being who I am. Today I wanted to fall of the planet. I hate crying , causing my husband pain from him realizing I am fighting this invisible war and how he has let others comments influenced him so much that he has stopped helping and started to harm with comments like those above.
He stopped seeing me and just saw the frustrations and assumptions as reality.
I'm not saying I'm prefect and he failed. I'm just being real this is what happens. Others mean well but can't understand and then without understanding, based on assumption or even wanting to in some cases learn they make comments and accusations. There is only so much one person can take but add a person who is still trying to get their feet with this illness and it can spell havoc. Marriages with a mental ill partner have a higher chance of divorce and we refuse to fit that mold. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN FULL STOP.
That is what has happened. The air is clear and tomorrow is a new day.
To quote my 3 year old. Mummy you aren't small you are big how can you be small when you do so much big things?
We are not giving up, I'm going to do big things even if it is just getting out of bed tomorrow even I'd rather hide under the covers.
Sometimes on days like this I wish I had a "popular" illness diabetes or something understood and known, sometimes I think it would be easier.
There is a war each morning to see who will win, The side that plans to do what i need to and the bipolar side that just wants to fly, numb or fade watching the black wave crash over me.
I'm not just get up out of bed.... I'm already warring in my self. The meds just help the normal win more but the battle rages on.
My illness is unknown silent unseen invisible it all happens in my head.
Its hard to explain to people how it impacts every moment of everyday. That yes I'm on meds, yes I have a name for it, no I'm not just going to be fine now. I'm still learning how to work around this illness.
I haven't been coping of late even worse than normal. Expectations of others and others trying to "help"
has had the opposite effect. By help I mean coming over and telling me what i should be doing. you should be up and dressed you are letting your husband down, think of what your husband needs, you husband works so you shouldn't ask things of him when he gets home, you just have to pull your socks up and get on with it, just stop being depressed, don't read that its "dark", don't watch that it will make you depressed, should you buy that are you manic? think about why you want it and if you are manic, you cant just go spending money cause you are manic, here read this is on how to get over depression, you just have to stop acting bipolar, ....
the list goes on and on and on....
they phone they come over its daily.
This effects my relationship with my husband, housemate...Lord even myself!
Today it was my husband and I who had to talk it all out with tears and pain that came from months of these comments to me and others that were made to my husband starting to damage our relationship.
Today I hated being who I am. Today I wanted to fall of the planet. I hate crying , causing my husband pain from him realizing I am fighting this invisible war and how he has let others comments influenced him so much that he has stopped helping and started to harm with comments like those above.
He stopped seeing me and just saw the frustrations and assumptions as reality.
I'm not saying I'm prefect and he failed. I'm just being real this is what happens. Others mean well but can't understand and then without understanding, based on assumption or even wanting to in some cases learn they make comments and accusations. There is only so much one person can take but add a person who is still trying to get their feet with this illness and it can spell havoc. Marriages with a mental ill partner have a higher chance of divorce and we refuse to fit that mold. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN FULL STOP.
That is what has happened. The air is clear and tomorrow is a new day.
To quote my 3 year old. Mummy you aren't small you are big how can you be small when you do so much big things?
We are not giving up, I'm going to do big things even if it is just getting out of bed tomorrow even I'd rather hide under the covers.
This makes me want to cry.
ReplyDeleteI hope everything is OK
Wish I was there.
I love the you're big mummy quote, nawww
One day at a time my love, and soon I will be there to help carry you!
<3