Monday, March 12, 2012

When drama lives on the doorstep.

When the roller coaster is out of control and the reason is external is very hard to change it. let me explain....

I have a dilemma that I hope I find an answer to so I can share it on here.

My mum knows about Bipolar as my dad is type 2 and now so I am. Yet once every few weeks sometimes days she brings stress and drama to my door.

 for examples.

 my housemate  has a friend selling a bed my mum wants to get cause she is moving. no problem right ....nope. she phones me 6 times before lunch about what is happening with this bed that I have no connection to. She tells me she doesn't have my housemates number. (my housemate tells me she does.) all this happens while my housemate is at work.

I go shopping with my mum and I think its a good day she does press me to shop longer then I want as I'm a little manic. Shopping and manic me don't do well for the budget. So I over spend a little, no drama. When we get to my house my mum asks if I'm manic, I'm honest and say a little. well...my mum then turns and says I've over spent how are you to help me not over spend when you are manic. she also made a comment my be she is bipolar cause she spends to much.(she constantly over spends and constantly makes comments about my illness, are you depressed or manic, are you taking your meds, .......you get the idea)

errr adult say what?

This is the kind of thing that triggers episodes for me. Unrealistic expectations and harassment feeds the black dog.

I've been roller-coasting so much that my hubby is blocking her number for a week so I can level out again.

Its drastic and we don't want to have to do it but she doesn't hear me when I try to explain my limits.Don't get me wrong I love my mum and want to see her and talk and all that. Yet I need to be Balanced, for my self, hubby, kids.....

Medication helps but taking care of my mental health is more then just popping some pills. It learning your limits, knowing your triggers and trying to minimize the impact of them.

That where I am at. I'm losing weight and getting my self confidence back, studying, taking steps to have minimal negative stress in my life, and getting organised.

I just need to get on an easier to handle roller coaster.




Saturday, March 10, 2012

introspective

I am in a very self discovery mode at the moment also a baking mood. so while I bake I am reading the style statement. I'll let you know how I go.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Mixed emotions Birthday.

Today is my little boy's fourth birthday.

He is a joyful intelligent little fire cracker. I adore him. His cheeky grin, soft smiles, his questioning mind, his gentle heart, how he looks at the world with wonder to his adventurous spirit, I love him so much!

As much as I celebrate the Day he entered the world and my life, I also feel a sense of loss and sadness for the years I haven't been well enough to be as present as I wish I could have been. The Times I could barely get out of bed, could barely function to look after him til my husband got him, or was so manic I wouldn't be able to focus my whole attention on him, I would make sure e was feed safe and happy but I wasn't fully in the moment my mind would race hundred different places. He was my reason to fight, to strive to be better then yesterday for those years and when I had his sister the reasons strengthened.

He holds nothing against me, he looks at me as if I am his whole world. Now to forgive myself and let it go.

I am now present, I still have bad days and I still fight to give him and his little sister the best i can.

Bipolar effects not just the person with the illness but the whole family. Husbands, wives, children, girlfriends, boyfriends, the list goes on.

my lil munchkin and our pup


Happy Birthday my Little Man.

You are my world, my reason and my joy.

I love you with all my heart.