When drama lives on the doorstep.

When the roller coaster is out of control and the reason is external is very hard to change it. let me explain....

I have a dilemma that I hope I find an answer to so I can share it on here.

My mum knows about Bipolar as my dad is type 2 and now so I am. Yet once every few weeks sometimes days she brings stress and drama to my door.

 for examples.

 my housemate  has a friend selling a bed my mum wants to get cause she is moving. no problem right ....nope. she phones me 6 times before lunch about what is happening with this bed that I have no connection to. She tells me she doesn't have my housemates number. (my housemate tells me she does.) all this happens while my housemate is at work.

I go shopping with my mum and I think its a good day she does press me to shop longer then I want as I'm a little manic. Shopping and manic me don't do well for the budget. So I over spend a little, no drama. When we get to my house my mum asks if I'm manic, I'm honest and say a little. well...my mum then turns and says I've over spent how are you to help me not over spend when you are manic. she also made a comment my be she is bipolar cause she spends to much.(she constantly over spends and constantly makes comments about my illness, are you depressed or manic, are you taking your meds, .......you get the idea)

errr adult say what?

This is the kind of thing that triggers episodes for me. Unrealistic expectations and harassment feeds the black dog.

I've been roller-coasting so much that my hubby is blocking her number for a week so I can level out again.

Its drastic and we don't want to have to do it but she doesn't hear me when I try to explain my limits.Don't get me wrong I love my mum and want to see her and talk and all that. Yet I need to be Balanced, for my self, hubby, kids.....

Medication helps but taking care of my mental health is more then just popping some pills. It learning your limits, knowing your triggers and trying to minimize the impact of them.

That where I am at. I'm losing weight and getting my self confidence back, studying, taking steps to have minimal negative stress in my life, and getting organised.

I just need to get on an easier to handle roller coaster.

Again at war with myself....

Today was a bad day. One of those days I wish with all my heart I could press a button or pop a pill and not be bipolar anymore.

Sometimes on days like this I wish I had a "popular" illness diabetes or something understood and known, sometimes I think it would be easier.


There is a war each morning to see who will win, The side that plans to do what i need to and the bipolar side that just wants to fly, numb or fade watching the black wave crash over me.

I'm not just get up out of bed.... I'm already warring in my self. The meds just help the normal win more but the battle rages on.

My  illness is unknown silent unseen invisible it all happens in my head.

Its hard to explain to people how it impacts every moment of everyday. That yes I'm on meds, yes I have a name for it, no I'm not just going to be fine now. I'm still learning how to work around this illness.

I haven't been coping of late even worse than normal. Expectations of others and others trying to "help"

has had the opposite effect. By help I mean coming over and telling me what i should be doing. you should be up and dressed you are letting your husband down, think of what your husband needs, you husband works  so you shouldn't ask things of him when he gets home, you just have to pull your socks up and get on with it, just stop being depressed, don't read that its "dark", don't watch that it will make you depressed, should you buy that are you manic? think about why you want it and if you are manic, you cant just go spending money cause you are manic, here read this is on how to get over depression, you just have to stop acting bipolar, ....

the list goes on and on and on....

they phone they come over its daily.

This effects my relationship with my husband, housemate...Lord even myself!

Today it was my husband and I who had to talk it all out with tears and pain that came from months of these comments to me and others that were made to my husband starting to damage our relationship.

Today I hated being who I am. Today I wanted to fall of the planet. I hate crying , causing my husband pain from him realizing I am fighting this invisible war and how he has let others comments influenced him so much that he has stopped helping and started to harm with comments like those above.

He stopped seeing me and just saw the frustrations and assumptions as reality.

I'm not saying I'm prefect and he failed. I'm just being real this is what happens. Others mean well but can't understand and then without understanding, based on assumption or even wanting to in some cases learn they make comments and accusations.  There is only so much one person can take but add a person who is still trying to get their feet with this illness and it can spell havoc.  Marriages with a mental ill partner have a higher chance of divorce and we refuse to fit that mold. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN FULL STOP.

That is what has happened. The air is clear and tomorrow is a new day.

To quote my 3 year old. Mummy you aren't small you are big how can you be small when you do so much big things?

We are not giving up, I'm going to do big things even if it is just getting out of bed tomorrow even I'd rather hide under the covers.

and were back.....

Hi WWW,
I have be slack yep there I said it. There is much to say that's been going on to lead to such pathetic post rate.

1. Dad is life treating hospital trip due to his own stupidity. He is a diabetic that ignored it and hope it went away for 15 years!!!
He was admitted to hospital and had
Septicemia (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002331/ ),
Hyperglycaemia (http://www.diabetesaustralia.com.au/en/Understanding-Diabetes/What-is-Diabetes/Hyperglycaemia/ ),

Necrotizing soft tissue infection on his big toe (http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001443.htm) (no flesh eating bacteria was found thankfully.)

He ended up losing the toe and getting grilled buy hospital staff and his children.

I also found out my father (bipolar and other goodies) was taken for his medications by his GP and was for the last 5 years having his medication played with by his GP. normal small changes slightly up or down are fine under the guides the psychiatrist as written up. This is not the case.

I hit the roof one that my dad would allow that to happen two that the GP over stepped his training in such a way. he saw the hospital Psychiatrist would quickly put him back on his medications and talked to him about one changing doctors and two staying on medications.

Oh but the fun doesnt end there!!!

I had my first car crash. Yep i totaled the car and took out a fence. yeah I'm good lol.

A speeding car almost hit my daughter door as i was merging after a set of lights....problem was when i served back into my lane having suddenly see the car that was there last time I shoulder checked (I checked again thankfully!) my lane was not even half the size of my car!! so i hit the fence that was there between me and the foot path.

The speeding car never stopped.

luckily no one was hurt just the car which means I have to go through the painful process of buying a car all over again. My hubby is someone who wants to take time to make a decision, the only issue with that is we loose great cars to other people while he is thinking long n hard about it. drives me Batty!! he knows he does it and is working on making decisions quicker.

Ok enough about doom n gloom!
the good stuff....
My medications are finally settled so i just need repeats from my Gp :) happy dance but I have been told I need more boundaries with my folks so they don't stress me as much.

We got another husky!! our first (and not the last) foster failure, her name is OoKami (means wolf in Japanese i was told.....Kami for short.) and she looks like our boy Dante's twin. Hubby loved her within minuets and we now hold the record for fastest adoption. 3 hours and she was ours.

She is a sweetie and the kids just adore her, Dante likes her except when she gives him kisses and doesn't know when to stop!! lol She loves going to the park with the kids and we are teaching her all the sled terms ready for the start of the season :)

well that's it for now. Just a major update.

post soon

been a few days......

I know its been a few days since I have posted on here, I have been dealing with the 3 hours of sleep then "hyper attacks" as I call them. and believe me they are NOT fun.

A "hyper attack" as i have nicknamed these things is where i wake up my mind is racing i'm shaky fidgeting and my eyes are looking around really fast. My house mate who leaves in the mini unit down stairs saw me in this state and said I looked "high".

After this "hyper attack"I can't sleep. I'm restless and try as I might I can't sleep so I end up having to have a few hours sleep in the day.

They have just put my medication up and I think this might have something to do with it. I am hoping it goes away once I adjust to these new amounts as when not trying to sleep I'm feeling a lot better.

I am still in the black wave time my focus isn't great, it hard to get motivated and I'm quick to get frustrated. The good news is I don't feel OVERLY sleepy and not just for the a fore mentioned reason. Before I was Diagnosed I was spending days in bed not wanting to moved more then I had to, I'd get up get the kids to daycare then crawl into bed till an hour before they got home help with them then back to bed or into a book. Now I can get up get them ready and stay out of bed other then my catch up nap, but being constructive with my time is still proving tough.

Now if I could just get a good night's sleep?

I see the black wave.......

So today I realized the depression stage is coming around again.

I was shopping for presents for Christmas, some thing I usually love doing. But on my way home I found I was numb, blank, just doing a job. That's when I realized what was coming, the black wave of depression.

Time to start making schedules for myself things I must do each day. Things to keep me going.

Strange as it may seem to some of you, I have to plan for theses ups and down else I can do damage to my family, manic i spend to much and depression i wont get out of bed for days, so I plan.

I declare war on my own self in a way. To fight against what i feel and think so i can still carry on as the me in my head plans.

I call depression the black wave for me first I go emotionally numb, grey, neither happy or sad. Like the emotional water is being pulled from my mind into the wave that will crash sending me into the black of depression.

This is the hardest time to stay on my medication as I don't see a point to do anything during these times, I become more robotic then person, I'm locked in my head drowning in the black numb. I take care of my kids and husband as best I can during these times. They are my life line in the cold dark waters of my mind.

So I schedule. get up dressed my life becomes a To Do list that I tick off.

Has my medication levels stabilize again I wont go as deep into those cold waters but I still prepare. Just in case.

leave a comment about what you would like information on or your own way experience.

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plans and derailments

So with everything I have to catch up on ...study, house work, brush out the dogs, Christmas....

My little girl is at home again sick. This doesn't mean she isn't still a force of nature, running jumping and messing up the house.

With a new medication schedule to get use to this isn't what i would call a good time to have a sick child , not that its ever good, it just takes a lot more effect on my part to get things done. Believe  me when its already an effort finding that something more to help me stay focused is not easy at all.

It is 3 in the afternoon and i'm still in my pj's, she has been feed changed repeatedly and entertained, flash card playtime and had a story. Mm housework is undone, study not complete but my little girl is napping like the angel she is.

My between the headaches and sick feeling for my medication, I had to make a choice. This is what annoys me about my bipolar. Medication ajustment take me a few bad days to adjust so i have to choose my focus. Ic choose my little girl.I always choose the kids first. IT hard cause i know while the house is messy (with a house inspection on Monday, and all the other things undone the stress is coming and that for me is bad. I don't do well with stress.

Its like putting my moods under and magnifying glass and being bipolar they are already outside the normal range.

I am reading what i call my parenting bible for the millionth time. It is called Stress-Free Parenting in 12 Steps by Christiane Kutik

oh how i love this little book. it is short sweet and works, omg it works. I re-read this book cause one. I'm forgetful and two I always need a refresher when it gets hard Like when my son has learnt his first swear word at daycare (he is 3.). Oh yeah and he gets stuck on repeat!

Well I'm off to try and get housework done like a mad lady while little miss sleeps.

so leave a comment if you have questions about bipolar or anything I am more then happy to help. :) or post on a particular topic.

and follow me so you can learn more about the Bipolar and everything else.

stress sick child and lack of sleep

Well today I'm doing better due to my lovely hubby letting me seep most of the day.

My lil 2yr old girl has been sick for a few days now and so being me I was wake cleaning up the gross stuff and letting my hubby sleep.  the down side is I shouldn't do that 3 days in a row.

Being bipolar sleep isn't something I can go with out to much without paying for it.

Add the stress of a house inspection(we rent ATM...) so no sleep +stress+bipolar brain=bad idea.

But as I said my hubby made sure I got a lovely day in bed.

So it seems like I have left depression/extended family stress out land and coming back to the regular part of my life. arrrr its never boring with me sigh. I have found stress to be a big factor in my bipolar. I don't handle it well at all especially for LONG periods of time.

With alot happening in my family for the last few weeks it seems like that might not be over. So my hubby is making sure I have a buffer zone (I love this man so much!) so I don't get lost in the emotions again.

anyways enough rambles for now.... I'll be posting more about helping a bipolar partner and also any other bipolar fun facts that i find.

aghhh sleep where did i put u

its 3:30am...sigh....

I cant sleep. I went to bed early, kids sleeping, yummy milo, meds and then bed ........but something went wrong the sleep bit I was looking forward to didn't come.

So i read a book (normally would help...) thinking relaxing thoughts like lazing on a floating bed in a pool with a good book....or siting in a spa you get the idea but nothing.....not a wink....

these are the times I don't like, my brain wont shut off, no power down function was installed apparently.

When I said honest yep this is how it is sometimes people. Your brain runs with ideas and plans and all those things and you can't sleep even if you want to. It called mania or being manic. IT's a time i don't go near eBay shops or spending money with out my Hubby. I don't get t sleep much and I feel like everything around me is in slow motion and won't keep pace with me.

But, I am also creative. energized and going to meet the world head on.

Blessing and a cure in one neat little package called bipolar.

please leave a comment or question below and I'll answer as soon as possible or follow me for  a peek into my bipolar life.