When drama lives on the doorstep.

When the roller coaster is out of control and the reason is external is very hard to change it. let me explain....

I have a dilemma that I hope I find an answer to so I can share it on here.

My mum knows about Bipolar as my dad is type 2 and now so I am. Yet once every few weeks sometimes days she brings stress and drama to my door.

 for examples.

 my housemate  has a friend selling a bed my mum wants to get cause she is moving. no problem right ....nope. she phones me 6 times before lunch about what is happening with this bed that I have no connection to. She tells me she doesn't have my housemates number. (my housemate tells me she does.) all this happens while my housemate is at work.

I go shopping with my mum and I think its a good day she does press me to shop longer then I want as I'm a little manic. Shopping and manic me don't do well for the budget. So I over spend a little, no drama. When we get to my house my mum asks if I'm manic, I'm honest and say a little. well...my mum then turns and says I've over spent how are you to help me not over spend when you are manic. she also made a comment my be she is bipolar cause she spends to much.(she constantly over spends and constantly makes comments about my illness, are you depressed or manic, are you taking your meds, .......you get the idea)

errr adult say what?

This is the kind of thing that triggers episodes for me. Unrealistic expectations and harassment feeds the black dog.

I've been roller-coasting so much that my hubby is blocking her number for a week so I can level out again.

Its drastic and we don't want to have to do it but she doesn't hear me when I try to explain my limits.Don't get me wrong I love my mum and want to see her and talk and all that. Yet I need to be Balanced, for my self, hubby, kids.....

Medication helps but taking care of my mental health is more then just popping some pills. It learning your limits, knowing your triggers and trying to minimize the impact of them.

That where I am at. I'm losing weight and getting my self confidence back, studying, taking steps to have minimal negative stress in my life, and getting organised.

I just need to get on an easier to handle roller coaster.

introspective

I am in a very self discovery mode at the moment also a baking mood. so while I bake I am reading the style statement. I'll let you know how I go.

Mixed emotions Birthday.

Today is my little boy's fourth birthday.

He is a joyful intelligent little fire cracker. I adore him. His cheeky grin, soft smiles, his questioning mind, his gentle heart, how he looks at the world with wonder to his adventurous spirit, I love him so much!

As much as I celebrate the Day he entered the world and my life, I also feel a sense of loss and sadness for the years I haven't been well enough to be as present as I wish I could have been. The Times I could barely get out of bed, could barely function to look after him til my husband got him, or was so manic I wouldn't be able to focus my whole attention on him, I would make sure e was feed safe and happy but I wasn't fully in the moment my mind would race hundred different places. He was my reason to fight, to strive to be better then yesterday for those years and when I had his sister the reasons strengthened.

He holds nothing against me, he looks at me as if I am his whole world. Now to forgive myself and let it go.

I am now present, I still have bad days and I still fight to give him and his little sister the best i can.

Bipolar effects not just the person with the illness but the whole family. Husbands, wives, children, girlfriends, boyfriends, the list goes on.

my lil munchkin and our pup

Happy Birthday my Little Man.

You are my world, my reason and my joy.

I love you with all my heart.

Again at war with myself....

Today was a bad day. One of those days I wish with all my heart I could press a button or pop a pill and not be bipolar anymore.

Sometimes on days like this I wish I had a "popular" illness diabetes or something understood and known, sometimes I think it would be easier.


There is a war each morning to see who will win, The side that plans to do what i need to and the bipolar side that just wants to fly, numb or fade watching the black wave crash over me.

I'm not just get up out of bed.... I'm already warring in my self. The meds just help the normal win more but the battle rages on.

My  illness is unknown silent unseen invisible it all happens in my head.

Its hard to explain to people how it impacts every moment of everyday. That yes I'm on meds, yes I have a name for it, no I'm not just going to be fine now. I'm still learning how to work around this illness.

I haven't been coping of late even worse than normal. Expectations of others and others trying to "help"

has had the opposite effect. By help I mean coming over and telling me what i should be doing. you should be up and dressed you are letting your husband down, think of what your husband needs, you husband works  so you shouldn't ask things of him when he gets home, you just have to pull your socks up and get on with it, just stop being depressed, don't read that its "dark", don't watch that it will make you depressed, should you buy that are you manic? think about why you want it and if you are manic, you cant just go spending money cause you are manic, here read this is on how to get over depression, you just have to stop acting bipolar, ....

the list goes on and on and on....

they phone they come over its daily.

This effects my relationship with my husband, housemate...Lord even myself!

Today it was my husband and I who had to talk it all out with tears and pain that came from months of these comments to me and others that were made to my husband starting to damage our relationship.

Today I hated being who I am. Today I wanted to fall of the planet. I hate crying , causing my husband pain from him realizing I am fighting this invisible war and how he has let others comments influenced him so much that he has stopped helping and started to harm with comments like those above.

He stopped seeing me and just saw the frustrations and assumptions as reality.

I'm not saying I'm prefect and he failed. I'm just being real this is what happens. Others mean well but can't understand and then without understanding, based on assumption or even wanting to in some cases learn they make comments and accusations.  There is only so much one person can take but add a person who is still trying to get their feet with this illness and it can spell havoc.  Marriages with a mental ill partner have a higher chance of divorce and we refuse to fit that mold. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN FULL STOP.

That is what has happened. The air is clear and tomorrow is a new day.

To quote my 3 year old. Mummy you aren't small you are big how can you be small when you do so much big things?

We are not giving up, I'm going to do big things even if it is just getting out of bed tomorrow even I'd rather hide under the covers.

stress isn't helpful.

Hi WWW
I know I know I was going to post everyday then well...life. actually more to the point....FAMILY.

Yep family can either help or hinder anyone but even more so for Bipolar especially if your family is like mine.

I'm trying to study but I have my mum now studying and kicking me off my pc instead of dealing with her net issues while tell me things like don't say that to your kids, that not what I would do, and the dreaded are you taking your meds you seem manic/depressed. Not Helpful!!!

Lot of people think checking up on your medication is fine and helpful even encouraging well its not. do you go to a diabetic and ask about their diet or insulin?
Lot of people think if you are bipolar you are either depressed or manic that is it.

Sadly this is my mother.

As you may or may not know stress or too much stress can bring on episodes of maniac/depression sometimes. Constant stress is not a good idea for bipolar we need to relax n chill more then most for our mental health. My mum is a constant stress, our relationship is strained as we butt heads on raising kids, health and of course my illness, meds and because of my illness about my dad too (he is also bipolar).

My mum's comments and constant questions has also at times strained my marriage as my husband works to understand and work out how to relate to me on my mental health illness. My mum has the idea of what i will do based on my dad, and uses that in how she talks to me, poor hubby is trying to find the truth in the stories so he can help me more....for him it is a mind field and more then once has lead to me in tears when he has got the wrong end of the stick.

so I've been having a rough time but here I am still on meds still going one day after another just the idea of moving is looking better and better health wise sadly.

ok people take care talk soon.

ps thanks to my sis in the UK for proof reading this. Lol posting at 2am is not good for my spelling and grammar lol

and were back.....

Hi WWW,
I have be slack yep there I said it. There is much to say that's been going on to lead to such pathetic post rate.

1. Dad is life treating hospital trip due to his own stupidity. He is a diabetic that ignored it and hope it went away for 15 years!!!
He was admitted to hospital and had
Septicemia (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002331/ ),
Hyperglycaemia (http://www.diabetesaustralia.com.au/en/Understanding-Diabetes/What-is-Diabetes/Hyperglycaemia/ ),

Necrotizing soft tissue infection on his big toe (http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001443.htm) (no flesh eating bacteria was found thankfully.)

He ended up losing the toe and getting grilled buy hospital staff and his children.

I also found out my father (bipolar and other goodies) was taken for his medications by his GP and was for the last 5 years having his medication played with by his GP. normal small changes slightly up or down are fine under the guides the psychiatrist as written up. This is not the case.

I hit the roof one that my dad would allow that to happen two that the GP over stepped his training in such a way. he saw the hospital Psychiatrist would quickly put him back on his medications and talked to him about one changing doctors and two staying on medications.

Oh but the fun doesnt end there!!!

I had my first car crash. Yep i totaled the car and took out a fence. yeah I'm good lol.

A speeding car almost hit my daughter door as i was merging after a set of lights....problem was when i served back into my lane having suddenly see the car that was there last time I shoulder checked (I checked again thankfully!) my lane was not even half the size of my car!! so i hit the fence that was there between me and the foot path.

The speeding car never stopped.

luckily no one was hurt just the car which means I have to go through the painful process of buying a car all over again. My hubby is someone who wants to take time to make a decision, the only issue with that is we loose great cars to other people while he is thinking long n hard about it. drives me Batty!! he knows he does it and is working on making decisions quicker.

Ok enough about doom n gloom!
the good stuff....
My medications are finally settled so i just need repeats from my Gp :) happy dance but I have been told I need more boundaries with my folks so they don't stress me as much.

We got another husky!! our first (and not the last) foster failure, her name is OoKami (means wolf in Japanese i was told.....Kami for short.) and she looks like our boy Dante's twin. Hubby loved her within minuets and we now hold the record for fastest adoption. 3 hours and she was ours.

She is a sweetie and the kids just adore her, Dante likes her except when she gives him kisses and doesn't know when to stop!! lol She loves going to the park with the kids and we are teaching her all the sled terms ready for the start of the season :)

well that's it for now. Just a major update.

post soon

sometimes life seems to fall on you

Hi Eeveryone,

So with the black wave hitting me Life seems to be getting the better of me. Add to take some family drama and letting myself give in to the desire to stay in bed all day is getting hard to ignore.

Study is at a crawl and my housework is still getting done sort of. I must admit I've let it go a bit in the last few days but I'm determined to keep on top of it.

Our foster Husky has a meet and greet with possible adopters today so I have to get him brush and walked before that so he is calm and happy. I must admit my pups get me up ad out some days I love them to bits.

The kids are going great and are starting to get the hang of play nice most of the time thankfully.

well this is just a short post today as Lots to do and not much time.

love you All