Im alive!!!

Hi I know I know Iknow where di I go?

Moving house BAD BAD BAD BAD black waves and no way to get a medical review for 6 months!!! darn you bipolar type 2 rapid!!!!

So I have been looking off the beaten track for some hope....

here is what i found the Paleo diet this has helped alot!! no gluten, no dairy (still working on..) no potatos and no legume  eat lean meats eat veggies esp green ones eat some fruit n nuts and exercise(run walk cycle ect...)

the next thing is trying to get my sleep pattern under control (with two small kids) this si hard believe me,....

the next thing we are trying is something called Orthomolecular medicine.

Its an alternative medicine idea that the body needs more essential vitamins and minerals to heal so things like leaky gut(aka the gut lining is thinned and not got enough good bacteria to function so is letting things into the blood that shouldnt be there making you sick.) and even they claim bipolar can be healed.

I think anything to help is worth a shot. so Im going to try it. Ill let you know how this all works out for me.

I got to go make dinner now
so ttfn.

angels and demons

I just finished watching a program called enough rope with Andrew Denton where he tries to understand mental illness.

A few things catch my attention. One is that young carers have a lot more resources open to them if they can get to them. That is the drama I guess how many people out there don't know or haven't been exposed to the avenues to get the support and help?

 I know from my experience and those in my family that getting help is not an easily walked path. Both my parents have a mental condition and getting them help is stressful painful and down right scary.

My mum seems to be having a bad turn and I don;t know how to help her.

Even in my own life with a mental illness some times I don't know who to where to turn. You aren't given much information especially in the public system that is over stretched. I have heard of people with bipolar being given counselling and coping structures, what these are I don't know they were never offered to me.

But the good thing is I'm looking for them now that I know they are out there somewhere.

My ups and downs are maddening. Plans and promises I don't or can't keep due to this roller-coaster are something I want to end.

This blog is about struggle and a come back fight. About the struggle I face I might not write daily as I want to but I will write and I wont glam it up, personally I don't see the point.

So I'll let you know how I go finding support and more information of coping.

Thank you for following the mental illness fight.

Going green....

well hello...
I know i know slacker I know. I haven't posted in way to long.

Yet I didn't disappear in vain.

 I have been getting myself organised I have a calendar (write in blog is already written up.) and cleaner-ish house(work in progress.)

I am back and getting this bipolar girl back in life starting as of......NOW!

I'm detoxing withe the green smoothie revolution as part of my weight loss war. As we all know its hard enough getting out of bed when the black wave hits without looking and feeling gross on top of it all. So war has been declared on my flubby body. Its time to get in shape.

I have also declared war on clutter and hoarding in my house. We have lived out of boxes for about 2 years straight so I'm cleaning out the junk and simplifying my life. Bipolar 2 kids 2 huskies a hubby and study is enough without the mess!

This is not maniac me....my hubby asked lol....This is just motivated me.....maniac energy is on the way so I want to have things in place before that madness hits me so I can use that energy in a positive way.

Anyways I am rambling from excitement!!!

I have just got all my lovely yummy fruits and veg for my smoothies (thanks to my helpful 4yr old shopping assistant)

I am starting with

Banana-Ginger-Green Smoothie:

A soft, beautiful, sweet nourishing treat.
3 ripe bananas, peeled
2 large handfuls spinach
2 inch slice of fresh ginger, peeled
water to desired thickness

http://skinbase.co.uk/blog/detail/skinbase-super-smoothie-banana-ginger-green-delight

I am also starting a new blog for this 10week adventure called http://bluerosegoesgreen.blogspot.com.au/

Talk soon!

When drama lives on the doorstep.

When the roller coaster is out of control and the reason is external is very hard to change it. let me explain....

I have a dilemma that I hope I find an answer to so I can share it on here.

My mum knows about Bipolar as my dad is type 2 and now so I am. Yet once every few weeks sometimes days she brings stress and drama to my door.

 for examples.

 my housemate  has a friend selling a bed my mum wants to get cause she is moving. no problem right ....nope. she phones me 6 times before lunch about what is happening with this bed that I have no connection to. She tells me she doesn't have my housemates number. (my housemate tells me she does.) all this happens while my housemate is at work.

I go shopping with my mum and I think its a good day she does press me to shop longer then I want as I'm a little manic. Shopping and manic me don't do well for the budget. So I over spend a little, no drama. When we get to my house my mum asks if I'm manic, I'm honest and say a little. well...my mum then turns and says I've over spent how are you to help me not over spend when you are manic. she also made a comment my be she is bipolar cause she spends to much.(she constantly over spends and constantly makes comments about my illness, are you depressed or manic, are you taking your meds, .......you get the idea)

errr adult say what?

This is the kind of thing that triggers episodes for me. Unrealistic expectations and harassment feeds the black dog.

I've been roller-coasting so much that my hubby is blocking her number for a week so I can level out again.

Its drastic and we don't want to have to do it but she doesn't hear me when I try to explain my limits.Don't get me wrong I love my mum and want to see her and talk and all that. Yet I need to be Balanced, for my self, hubby, kids.....

Medication helps but taking care of my mental health is more then just popping some pills. It learning your limits, knowing your triggers and trying to minimize the impact of them.

That where I am at. I'm losing weight and getting my self confidence back, studying, taking steps to have minimal negative stress in my life, and getting organised.

I just need to get on an easier to handle roller coaster.

introspective

I am in a very self discovery mode at the moment also a baking mood. so while I bake I am reading the style statement. I'll let you know how I go.

Mixed emotions Birthday.

Today is my little boy's fourth birthday.

He is a joyful intelligent little fire cracker. I adore him. His cheeky grin, soft smiles, his questioning mind, his gentle heart, how he looks at the world with wonder to his adventurous spirit, I love him so much!

As much as I celebrate the Day he entered the world and my life, I also feel a sense of loss and sadness for the years I haven't been well enough to be as present as I wish I could have been. The Times I could barely get out of bed, could barely function to look after him til my husband got him, or was so manic I wouldn't be able to focus my whole attention on him, I would make sure e was feed safe and happy but I wasn't fully in the moment my mind would race hundred different places. He was my reason to fight, to strive to be better then yesterday for those years and when I had his sister the reasons strengthened.

He holds nothing against me, he looks at me as if I am his whole world. Now to forgive myself and let it go.

I am now present, I still have bad days and I still fight to give him and his little sister the best i can.

Bipolar effects not just the person with the illness but the whole family. Husbands, wives, children, girlfriends, boyfriends, the list goes on.

my lil munchkin and our pup

Happy Birthday my Little Man.

You are my world, my reason and my joy.

I love you with all my heart.

Again at war with myself....

Today was a bad day. One of those days I wish with all my heart I could press a button or pop a pill and not be bipolar anymore.

Sometimes on days like this I wish I had a "popular" illness diabetes or something understood and known, sometimes I think it would be easier.


There is a war each morning to see who will win, The side that plans to do what i need to and the bipolar side that just wants to fly, numb or fade watching the black wave crash over me.

I'm not just get up out of bed.... I'm already warring in my self. The meds just help the normal win more but the battle rages on.

My  illness is unknown silent unseen invisible it all happens in my head.

Its hard to explain to people how it impacts every moment of everyday. That yes I'm on meds, yes I have a name for it, no I'm not just going to be fine now. I'm still learning how to work around this illness.

I haven't been coping of late even worse than normal. Expectations of others and others trying to "help"

has had the opposite effect. By help I mean coming over and telling me what i should be doing. you should be up and dressed you are letting your husband down, think of what your husband needs, you husband works  so you shouldn't ask things of him when he gets home, you just have to pull your socks up and get on with it, just stop being depressed, don't read that its "dark", don't watch that it will make you depressed, should you buy that are you manic? think about why you want it and if you are manic, you cant just go spending money cause you are manic, here read this is on how to get over depression, you just have to stop acting bipolar, ....

the list goes on and on and on....

they phone they come over its daily.

This effects my relationship with my husband, housemate...Lord even myself!

Today it was my husband and I who had to talk it all out with tears and pain that came from months of these comments to me and others that were made to my husband starting to damage our relationship.

Today I hated being who I am. Today I wanted to fall of the planet. I hate crying , causing my husband pain from him realizing I am fighting this invisible war and how he has let others comments influenced him so much that he has stopped helping and started to harm with comments like those above.

He stopped seeing me and just saw the frustrations and assumptions as reality.

I'm not saying I'm prefect and he failed. I'm just being real this is what happens. Others mean well but can't understand and then without understanding, based on assumption or even wanting to in some cases learn they make comments and accusations.  There is only so much one person can take but add a person who is still trying to get their feet with this illness and it can spell havoc.  Marriages with a mental ill partner have a higher chance of divorce and we refuse to fit that mold. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN FULL STOP.

That is what has happened. The air is clear and tomorrow is a new day.

To quote my 3 year old. Mummy you aren't small you are big how can you be small when you do so much big things?

We are not giving up, I'm going to do big things even if it is just getting out of bed tomorrow even I'd rather hide under the covers.