been a few days......

I know its been a few days since I have posted on here, I have been dealing with the 3 hours of sleep then "hyper attacks" as I call them. and believe me they are NOT fun.

A "hyper attack" as i have nicknamed these things is where i wake up my mind is racing i'm shaky fidgeting and my eyes are looking around really fast. My house mate who leaves in the mini unit down stairs saw me in this state and said I looked "high".

After this "hyper attack"I can't sleep. I'm restless and try as I might I can't sleep so I end up having to have a few hours sleep in the day.

They have just put my medication up and I think this might have something to do with it. I am hoping it goes away once I adjust to these new amounts as when not trying to sleep I'm feeling a lot better.

I am still in the black wave time my focus isn't great, it hard to get motivated and I'm quick to get frustrated. The good news is I don't feel OVERLY sleepy and not just for the a fore mentioned reason. Before I was Diagnosed I was spending days in bed not wanting to moved more then I had to, I'd get up get the kids to daycare then crawl into bed till an hour before they got home help with them then back to bed or into a book. Now I can get up get them ready and stay out of bed other then my catch up nap, but being constructive with my time is still proving tough.

Now if I could just get a good night's sleep?

I see the black wave.......

So today I realized the depression stage is coming around again.

I was shopping for presents for Christmas, some thing I usually love doing. But on my way home I found I was numb, blank, just doing a job. That's when I realized what was coming, the black wave of depression.

Time to start making schedules for myself things I must do each day. Things to keep me going.

Strange as it may seem to some of you, I have to plan for theses ups and down else I can do damage to my family, manic i spend to much and depression i wont get out of bed for days, so I plan.

I declare war on my own self in a way. To fight against what i feel and think so i can still carry on as the me in my head plans.

I call depression the black wave for me first I go emotionally numb, grey, neither happy or sad. Like the emotional water is being pulled from my mind into the wave that will crash sending me into the black of depression.

This is the hardest time to stay on my medication as I don't see a point to do anything during these times, I become more robotic then person, I'm locked in my head drowning in the black numb. I take care of my kids and husband as best I can during these times. They are my life line in the cold dark waters of my mind.

So I schedule. get up dressed my life becomes a To Do list that I tick off.

Has my medication levels stabilize again I wont go as deep into those cold waters but I still prepare. Just in case.

leave a comment about what you would like information on or your own way experience.

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the rainy day debacle

If there is one thing i love is being able to curl up on a rainy day and read a good book.

but

my little miss is still ill yet full on energy.

I planned to brush out my dogs, study and other such things that won't make me feel worse due to the ill feeling from the medication change I'm getting used to. Instead I have been running after little miss trying to keep her out of mischief.

Her favorite place is her big brother's room, playing with trains and blocks. Which is fine till she starts to hide them all under her bed. Another Favorite little miss activity is to empty the kids bowls and plates from the kids drawer onto the floor, more washing up is not what i need.

So now I'm waiting for my hubby to drop in with some more lactose free milk so little miss can nap and i can have a cuppa, a shower and get some cleaning down before i have to cook dinner.

My mood isn't to bad today more just the ill feeling is getting annoying.

I'm off to see if little miss is still on her char having a snack....

Till later

plans and derailments

So with everything I have to catch up on ...study, house work, brush out the dogs, Christmas....

My little girl is at home again sick. This doesn't mean she isn't still a force of nature, running jumping and messing up the house.

With a new medication schedule to get use to this isn't what i would call a good time to have a sick child , not that its ever good, it just takes a lot more effect on my part to get things done. Believe  me when its already an effort finding that something more to help me stay focused is not easy at all.

It is 3 in the afternoon and i'm still in my pj's, she has been feed changed repeatedly and entertained, flash card playtime and had a story. Mm housework is undone, study not complete but my little girl is napping like the angel she is.

My between the headaches and sick feeling for my medication, I had to make a choice. This is what annoys me about my bipolar. Medication ajustment take me a few bad days to adjust so i have to choose my focus. Ic choose my little girl.I always choose the kids first. IT hard cause i know while the house is messy (with a house inspection on Monday, and all the other things undone the stress is coming and that for me is bad. I don't do well with stress.

Its like putting my moods under and magnifying glass and being bipolar they are already outside the normal range.

I am reading what i call my parenting bible for the millionth time. It is called Stress-Free Parenting in 12 Steps by Christiane Kutik

oh how i love this little book. it is short sweet and works, omg it works. I re-read this book cause one. I'm forgetful and two I always need a refresher when it gets hard Like when my son has learnt his first swear word at daycare (he is 3.). Oh yeah and he gets stuck on repeat!

Well I'm off to try and get housework done like a mad lady while little miss sleeps.

so leave a comment if you have questions about bipolar or anything I am more then happy to help. :) or post on a particular topic.

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stress sick child and lack of sleep

Well today I'm doing better due to my lovely hubby letting me seep most of the day.

My lil 2yr old girl has been sick for a few days now and so being me I was wake cleaning up the gross stuff and letting my hubby sleep.  the down side is I shouldn't do that 3 days in a row.

Being bipolar sleep isn't something I can go with out to much without paying for it.

Add the stress of a house inspection(we rent ATM...) so no sleep +stress+bipolar brain=bad idea.

But as I said my hubby made sure I got a lovely day in bed.

So it seems like I have left depression/extended family stress out land and coming back to the regular part of my life. arrrr its never boring with me sigh. I have found stress to be a big factor in my bipolar. I don't handle it well at all especially for LONG periods of time.

With alot happening in my family for the last few weeks it seems like that might not be over. So my hubby is making sure I have a buffer zone (I love this man so much!) so I don't get lost in the emotions again.

anyways enough rambles for now.... I'll be posting more about helping a bipolar partner and also any other bipolar fun facts that i find.

aghhh sleep where did i put u

its 3:30am...sigh....

I cant sleep. I went to bed early, kids sleeping, yummy milo, meds and then bed ........but something went wrong the sleep bit I was looking forward to didn't come.

So i read a book (normally would help...) thinking relaxing thoughts like lazing on a floating bed in a pool with a good book....or siting in a spa you get the idea but nothing.....not a wink....

these are the times I don't like, my brain wont shut off, no power down function was installed apparently.

When I said honest yep this is how it is sometimes people. Your brain runs with ideas and plans and all those things and you can't sleep even if you want to. It called mania or being manic. IT's a time i don't go near eBay shops or spending money with out my Hubby. I don't get t sleep much and I feel like everything around me is in slow motion and won't keep pace with me.

But, I am also creative. energized and going to meet the world head on.

Blessing and a cure in one neat little package called bipolar.

please leave a comment or question below and I'll answer as soon as possible or follow me for  a peek into my bipolar life.

I'm not your average, God made me with different wires

But you dont look sick....

I never will look bipolar. its in my brain, my head.

The Sane easy world the rest of you take for granted is a world I have never tasted. The rollercoaster for me never ends or tires. I want to get off be normal like you. I wake take pills when I go to bed, take pills when i wake just so i can see normalcy and wave. I'm NOT dangerous, i'm different. 

I see the world a different way, come walk a day in my shoes then tell me what I can and cant do, to pull my socks up to just get out of bed. My intentions and reality seldom talk with out agruement, sometimes i win sometimes i lose, but i never stop fighting myself for each step.

Dishes are done one week and not the next maybe because I had to choose what I would make an effort to fight for, kids and hubbyand my dogs forget the housework might just be all I can do to cope during a really bad time, dont think you need to show me how bad it is cause I already hold enough self guilt and loathing during those times that you dont need to add to it.

Instead help me carry the load. So when I can carry on I dont have a mountain to climb first.

This is my blessing and my curse. This is my cross to bear. Please dont tell me you know my bipolar cause you know someone else with it, we are as individals experiancing this illness differently. Please dont say you know bipolar cause you watch a hollywood movie, they are make believe for a reason. Read a leaflet but realise that is a general overview of my condision.

I am not just Bipolar I am ME just as someone else is not just Diabetes they are a person. I have diabetes of the brain both are chemical and both are of not fault of the sufferer.

Dont question every move i make based on bipolar, you didnt before so why change?? 

Sometimes I will need space from the world as I am tired from the fight. Sometimes I will want to party with you all and take on the world. and sometimes I can't get out of bed even if its all i want to do. 

Watch stephen fry's doco then talk to me about it and let me explain my reality to you.

http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/stephen-fry-the-secret-life-of-the-manic-depressive/

Please remember, I have just recently got a name, a face of my own demon I have fought in silence for years. I'm scared and confused as everyone else. It is not easy to find my way and good days and bad come like waves as I try to find the rock under my feet through the shifting sand. 

But remember...I fight to say in the light. I war against my self for my successes but this fight makes me stronger day by day. I have a big enough battle every time I wake with out fighting your idea of me. Learn who i am not what you think I should be.

I'm not your average, God made me with different wires, I'm still working out why.